Reflection

So, I'm done with my first year of college. Well, done with classes at least. Finals will be done by the 15th, and then I get to go home. This year flew by; it's so hard to believe that it's already over. What a year it was too... got off to something of a rough start, but things seem to have calmed down, which is a welcomed change.

This weekend was definetly a time of reflection. I went to the bfs school for the weekend, and while I was hoping for it to be relaxing, things got a little rocky. Saturday night he and I got into a bit of a spat, which I don't suppose would have happened except that I was a little drunk and might have taken things a little too personally. Regardless, I'm going to have to think about some things and really figure out what I want. I thought I had figured myself out years ago, but as this weekend proved, I have a lot to learn.

I also found a really, really great song by Kenny Chesney that I've been listening to lately. It's called Who You'd be Today, and while it's about someone dying young (also appropriate), I was thinking and realized that it could also be applied to people who leave your life. Throughout my life I've lost a lot of people - most in the sense that we drifted apart, because I've been lucky enough to not have people close to me die. Maybe college really does make you grow up, but I've finally concluded that even though I don't talk to certain people on a daily basis anymore, it doesn't mean that we don't still care for eachother. That's huge for me. I used to feel that if I didn't make contact with people at least on a weekly basis that they'd forget about me (inferiority complex?), which wasn't something I was sure I could handle. But I'm kind of moving past that. Not entirely, and I'm sure I never will, but I really understand that I need to be more independent. I have the distinct impression that this is going to offend some people, but they're going to have to deal. I have to stop putting the needs of everyone else before me because, as we've seen, it doesn't do me any good.

That's my major breakthrough, and it happened because of this weekend. I've been trying to put the needs/wants of my bf before me, and I have literally always done this - but I realized that if doing so interferes with who I am, and if it's causing me undo stress, then it's not worth it. I don't know how start this conversation with him, but clearly some things need to be adjusted. I just fear that if I do end up having this convo that I'll either get flustered and not know exactly what I want to say or how to say it, or I'll sense that it's hurting him and I'll recant everything, both of which will do me no good at all.

The other thing that probably caught my attention was that my big bro called me this weekend. I haven't talked to him on the phone since December, so it was this amazing beacon of light out of nowhere. I adore my bros (all 5 of them) with a protective love that I'm sure is usually reserved for children, but it's my nature to be motherly. The downside of constantly feeling the maternal protectiveness is that you feel like there's no one to look out for you; and then my big bro calls and it's like this little voice saying, "Oh yea, he's my big bro, he feels protective of me, he cares about me, and he's willing to call me just to talk when he has other things to do." I used to get miffed that he would ditch me for "work" or his friends or his gf (selfish much? What do you expect, I'm the only girl with 5 bros. I get spoiled), but when he does things like that I see that even though he is ridiculously busy with classes (pre-law - smarty pants), he's still willing to take time out of his life to talk to his little sister. It meant so much to me, and I'm sure he doesn't know it.

So, as this week goes on I'm going to have to study as if my life depends on it, pack up my room, and pray to God or whoever that somehow I find a job for the summer. What a week this is gonna be.

Who You'd Be Today
Sunny days seem to hurt the most
I wear the pain like a heavy coat
I feel you everywhere I go
See your smile, I see your face
I hear you laughing in the rain
Still can't believe your gone

(Chorus:)

It ain't fair you died too young
Like a story that had just begun
But death tore the pages all away
God knows how I miss you
All the hell that I've been through
Just knowing, no one could take your place
Sometimes I wonder, who you'd be today

Would you see the world
Would you chase your dreams
Settle down with a family
I wonder what would you name your babies
Some days the sky's so blue
I feel like I can talk to you
And I know it might sound crazy

(Chorus)

Sunny days seem to hurt the most
I wear the pain like a heavy coat
The only thing that gives me hope
Is I know, I'll see you again someday
Someday, someday

*And, according to something I was reading, if you pray and you see a blue feather sometime in the near future, it means that you have angels watching over you. Just an interesting tidbit*