First time for everything....

I've never blogged before, but I've been reading my friend Sarah's for a long time, and it seems like a good way to deal with, well, life. I used to keep diaries - lots and lots of diaries. Then journals. Then diaries and journals. But then I stopped writing in them, even though I know that's a stupid thing to do. See, those were the only places that I could write any and everything I wanted to, and pour out my heart and soul to one thing that wouldn't judge me or criticize me or even comment. Diaries just layed there and let me write, which is exactly what I needed. The only downside to that was my tendency to write for an audience. The syntax and vocabulary in my diaries was the same as in the papers I had to write for school; very mature, but defeating the whole purpose of writing for the sake of writing. And I miss writing for the sake of writing, getting all of my feelings and thoughts out without the fear of rejection. I need some sort of release, something to take all of the thoughts and fears and worries from my head into something else so that I can then work through them.

I seem to have plenty of problems to work through. Whether it be school, friend or family related I'm always worrying about something. I can't stop it, no matter how much it hurts me, and I can't find the words to express it to the people that could help. So many things go on inside my head that I wish I had the creativity to write stories or poems - something to help me deal with the pain. Because in the end, that's the real problem. All of these thoughts and problems lead to one final end, and that's emotional pain for me that I can never seem to deal with. I've had ways of dealin in the past that didn't go over so well with the people who care about me, so I've had to change my routine.

That's one problem - the people who care about me. Before I moved I was under the impression that I had a solid foundation of friends. Apparently I was deceived, because after I moved I only see these "friends" of mine if I make the effort to go to them. Two have offered to come out here to get me, and one only because there's a bowling ally nearby that people wanted to go to. The only one who makes a self-less effort is my boyfriend, and the guilt I feel at making him come all the way out here to get me doesn't seem worth it half the time. I get so frustrated with my life and everything in it that he ends up taking the brunt of my anger, which he in no way deserves. He is a beautiful soul, a completely self-less individual who does everything in his power to make me happy, and is truly and deeply hurt when I'm not happy enough for him. I think I know the root of the problem, but even addressing this with him only leads to more hurt on his part. He can't stand to think that there is something 'wrong' with me that he can't cure. It kills me to see him so upset, and if I were to ever try to remedy the situation it would be as much for him as for me.

He has been my nearest and dearest friend since 7th grade, when I was with someone else (which ended up being one of the biggest mistakes of my life, in retrospect), and when I myself was a different person entirely. He stuck by me for years, enduring tearful phone calls and admissions of things that I'm sure in his previously sheltered life he would never have imagined. I truly believe that he is my soul mate, and the prospect of losing him is something I'm not sure I want to ponder at this particular moment. I'm sure at times that making him deal with so much sadness is just a burden. He swears it isn't, but he is so self-less and so loving, I have to wonder if he says it isn't just to make me happier. Whatever works. I am happiest when I'm with him, and I know that what we have is something special. What's even better is the fact that he agrees.

For a first blog I think that's pretty good. Pretty long, but pretty good.

"Don't settle for the one you can live with. Settle for the one you can't live without."