Crash

"It's the sense of touch. In any real city, you walk, you know? You brush past people, people bump into you. In L.A., nobody touches you. We're always behind this metal and glass. I think we miss that touch so much, that we crash into each other, just so we can feel something."

So during a very sleepless night last night I started thinking about the movie "Crash", and the quote about how people in big cities are so starved for human contact that they crash into eachother just to feel. I have to say that I agree. A month of being home, being surrounded by people who love me and getting hugs and kisses every day and then being thrown back into an environment where no one touches unless they're really close is something of a reality shock. I've always known that I'm a sensitive person; I thrive on contact - hugs and kisses and just the acknowledgment that I mean something to someone. When I can't sleep I miss these sorts of things more, and I regress back to when I was little and alone in my bed, knowing that I couldn't get up and go to my parent's room because I'd get in trouble. I feel the same way now when I can't sleep - that if I get up out of bed I'll get in trouble somehow. Clearly I'm paranoid, but I can't change the way I feel.

I can't change the way I feel about a lot of things; and no one really understands how I feel. There is one person I know of who has felt the same, but through the years we've drifted apart, so that I'm not sure if I can talk to her anymore. People try to help, and I appreciate it, but I've come to realize that unless someone has gone through the same shit and felt the same way that they will never, ever truly understand. I also realize that I can't blame other people for not understanding and I can't get mad if they approach the subject somewhat insensitively.

I want to get the fairy at the top tattoed on my shoulder, maybe my ankle. She was called the "flirt fairy" on the site where I found her, but to me she's a symbol of the merging of my childhood and the "me" that I've known for a while. As a kid I was convinced that all sorts of magical creatures were real, and I used to look for gnomes and fairies and nymphs all over the place. I've tried to instill in the kids that I've worked with this same sense of wonder and mystery, hoping to make them into more creative and openminded adults. And I've been called a flirt by all of my guys for as long as I can remember, so her named seemed appropriate. It's good to keep a little bit of mystery and wonder in your life, to keep you young.

~*~Angels are the guardians of hope and wonder, the keepers of magic and dreams~*~