Sorrow

"The Day God Called You Home"
God looked around His garden and saw an empty space,
Then He looked down upon this earth, and saw your loving face.
He put his arms around you, and lifted you to rest,
His garden must have been beautiful,
He always takes the best.
He knew that you were suffering, he knew you were in pain,
And knew that you would never get well on this earth again.
He saw your path was difficult, He closed your tired eyes,
He whispered "Peace be Thine" and gave you wings to fly...


The boy that was in the hospital died the day before yesterday. I came home this weekend to go to his funeral. It's unreal. Students don't die. Kids I've worked with for years don't die. He was only 15; he had years and years ahead of him yet. It's not fair, and I don't know how to cope with emotional stuff very well. I think my history speaks for that. I'm pretty sure it hasn't really sunk in yet. That will all change after the wake tomorrow. I keep seeing these images of him in my mind, and they make me smile and want to laugh, and I can't wait to see him.... and then I remember. He was such a sweet kid. Loved the Red Sox, loved to laugh... he had the greatest smile, and when he really laughed... it was just too great. It would completely make your day, no matter how bad everything else in your life was, he could cheer you up. I don't think I'll ever forgive myself for not spending more time in the room this past break. I promised I would, but I never got the chance. I know there was nothing I could have done, then or now, but I never really got to say goodbye. How do you deal with something like that?

I don't know how the teachers are going to break the news to the other students. I'm pretty sure that none of them will understand, but you can't just have a student leave the class and not explain what happened. I do not envy the teachers' job right now.

Don't take life for granted. You never know when fate will tear your heart up.

M.B.,you were taken from us much too early, and we will always miss you. We love you.

I'll Be There
Daddy Please don't look so sad, Momma please don't cry
"Cause I am in the arms of Jesus and He sings me lullabies
Please, try not to question God, don't think he is unkind.
Don't think He sent me to you, and then He changed His mind.

You see, I am a Special child, and I'm needed up above.
I'm the Special gift you gave Him, the product of your love.
I'll always be there with you, and watch the sky at night.
Find the brightest star that's gleaming, That's my halo's brilliant light.
You'll see me in the morning frost, that mists your window pane.
That's me,in the summer showers, I'll be dancing in the rain.
When you feel a little breeze, from a gentle wind that blows.
That's me, I'll be there, planting a kiss on your nose.

When you see a child playing, and your heart feels a little tug,
That's me, I'll be there Giving your heart a hug.
So daddy, please don't look so sad, momma don't you cry.
I'm in the arms of Jesus, and He sings me lullabies.

what the crap

Through early morning fog I see, Visions of the things to be, The pains that are withheld for me, I realize and I can see...That suicide is painless. It brings on many changes. And I can take or leave it if I please.
So yesterday sucked ass in so many ways. First there was the fight with the boyfriend, which is never good. He and I never fight, so it was weird being upset at him, especially with what happened afterwards. See, I got this email from the teacher who works in the room that I worked in saying that it was really important that we call her or email her our phone numbers so that she could call us. So she called me a little later to let me know that one of the kids in the room is at Childrens Hospital in the ICU and needing a lot of help. That's terrible news. These kids and their families already have to deal with so much, and then something like this happens. So I spent most of last night nears, between the boyfriend and this news and the overall feeling that life sucks.

I dunno... I found this site for SI, and it was really.... interesting I guess is a good word. There's no one here I can really talk with here at school, and no one to give me a hug. I think that's all I need, really. Whatever, I should be able to deal. I've dealt before - not always in the best way, but I have. It's so much shit to deal with at once though - not fair, ya know? And of course my big bro had to point out last night that bad things happen in threes. Jerk. Lol jk, I love my big bro, and I know if he could be here with me he would be. He's the one person that I can talk about EVERYTHING with, and I know I'm supremely lucky to have that. Count your blessings, I guess.

Rain rain

"Cause nothin' lasts forever And we both know hearts can change And it's hard to hold a candle In the cold November rain"

Blah, I hate the rain. It's pretty if it's only there for a little while, but when it rains allllll day I get kinda depressed. Rain and snow have that effect on me - sucks that I decided to stay in New England, but whatever.

On a brighter note (well, to me anyway) today was the first day of classes. :-D I realize that not everyone feels that way, but the first day of school for me is always one of those "woo hoo" days. So far my classes seem awesome, which is cool. A lot more work than last semester, but hey, it's college.

I also accomlished one of my major goals for the year - I went to the gym. In "Legally Blonde" Elle mentions how endorphins make people happy ("And happy people don't shoot their husbands. They just don't.") - and obviously I need as much happiness as I can get. My roomie went with me, and one of our friends, so it was as much a social event as it was excercise. Not sure if it's normal to have that much fun when you're working out, but whatever. lol

My roomie and I were just on Facebook, and I'm a little upset with the boyfriend. I realize that it's ok for him to have female friends, but there's a picture of him and two girls lookin a little too friendly. I know I can trust him; my issue is with the girls. In case no one has noticed, girls are terrible, horrible, nasty people - and my boyfriend is such a nice sweet guy that he doesn't stand a chance. Whatever, it's a petty thing, and stupid, but that's just too damn bad. He can deal. No one has to agree with me, and I'm really not expecting anyone too. I get that he has friends, I get that they're girls, but I can still be a bitch about it. They get to see him and get all cozy for these little photo-ops, and I get to see him once a month, MAYBE. And I realize that this is what he had to deal with all through High School, and I know that I can trust him, but it bugs me. Stupid shit - now he's mad at me. There goes my good day.

~*~Yeah you're blinded by rainbows

Watching the wind blow

Blinded by rainbows

Do you dream at night

Do you sleep at night

I doubt it~*~

Crash

"It's the sense of touch. In any real city, you walk, you know? You brush past people, people bump into you. In L.A., nobody touches you. We're always behind this metal and glass. I think we miss that touch so much, that we crash into each other, just so we can feel something."

So during a very sleepless night last night I started thinking about the movie "Crash", and the quote about how people in big cities are so starved for human contact that they crash into eachother just to feel. I have to say that I agree. A month of being home, being surrounded by people who love me and getting hugs and kisses every day and then being thrown back into an environment where no one touches unless they're really close is something of a reality shock. I've always known that I'm a sensitive person; I thrive on contact - hugs and kisses and just the acknowledgment that I mean something to someone. When I can't sleep I miss these sorts of things more, and I regress back to when I was little and alone in my bed, knowing that I couldn't get up and go to my parent's room because I'd get in trouble. I feel the same way now when I can't sleep - that if I get up out of bed I'll get in trouble somehow. Clearly I'm paranoid, but I can't change the way I feel.

I can't change the way I feel about a lot of things; and no one really understands how I feel. There is one person I know of who has felt the same, but through the years we've drifted apart, so that I'm not sure if I can talk to her anymore. People try to help, and I appreciate it, but I've come to realize that unless someone has gone through the same shit and felt the same way that they will never, ever truly understand. I also realize that I can't blame other people for not understanding and I can't get mad if they approach the subject somewhat insensitively.

I want to get the fairy at the top tattoed on my shoulder, maybe my ankle. She was called the "flirt fairy" on the site where I found her, but to me she's a symbol of the merging of my childhood and the "me" that I've known for a while. As a kid I was convinced that all sorts of magical creatures were real, and I used to look for gnomes and fairies and nymphs all over the place. I've tried to instill in the kids that I've worked with this same sense of wonder and mystery, hoping to make them into more creative and openminded adults. And I've been called a flirt by all of my guys for as long as I can remember, so her named seemed appropriate. It's good to keep a little bit of mystery and wonder in your life, to keep you young.

~*~Angels are the guardians of hope and wonder, the keepers of magic and dreams~*~

Life goes on

Back at school for the first time in a month, and it's like I never left. Being home for so long almost made school seem like a dream, a separate world that isn't real. I cannot believe, even for a second, that I am halfway done with my freshman year of college. Only old people go to college, people who have their lives on track. My life is definetly not on track, not really, and I am certainly not old. But then again, this is a whole new year - 2006 - and I will be 20 this year. TWENTY. How can I be turning twenty when I still remember things from when I was in kindergarten and first grade? It's just crazy.
Being home also made me realize that life goes on when I'm not there. No one sits around waiting for me to come home so that they can function - everything is fine without me. My mom and I spent an hour at my grandparents before I came back to school, and hearing them talk about church and my family was weird because I wasn't a part of it.
Will my second semester be harder than my first? I did really well the first half of the year - 3.833 GPA - and everyone seems overly confident that I'm going to do even better this semester. I think I'll do okay, classes weren't too bad first semester, but things could change. Not to mention that I came to a decision over break, and it's going to take up a decent chunk of times if things go the way I see them going. It's for my own good, but still. And it's a secret that only 3 other people know, which will take it's toll on me eventually I'm sure.
Even now I can hear other girls in the hallway catching up on their breaks. Why am I not out there? Because I'm not a part of that "clique". Sure, there are people here that I talk to, but no one that I would really trust. I love my room mate, but there are certain things you don't just tell everyone, or anyone. My boyfriend thinks that I need to make friends here at school, but I disagree. Friends have this annoying tendency to use you and take advantage of things, and I just don't feel like dealing with that kind of stuff anymore. There are a few people here that I talk to often, and that's enough for me.
I need a nap - all that unpacking really tires a girl out!

~*~Sometimes a best friend is our guardian angel in disguise~*~

First time for everything....

I've never blogged before, but I've been reading my friend Sarah's for a long time, and it seems like a good way to deal with, well, life. I used to keep diaries - lots and lots of diaries. Then journals. Then diaries and journals. But then I stopped writing in them, even though I know that's a stupid thing to do. See, those were the only places that I could write any and everything I wanted to, and pour out my heart and soul to one thing that wouldn't judge me or criticize me or even comment. Diaries just layed there and let me write, which is exactly what I needed. The only downside to that was my tendency to write for an audience. The syntax and vocabulary in my diaries was the same as in the papers I had to write for school; very mature, but defeating the whole purpose of writing for the sake of writing. And I miss writing for the sake of writing, getting all of my feelings and thoughts out without the fear of rejection. I need some sort of release, something to take all of the thoughts and fears and worries from my head into something else so that I can then work through them.

I seem to have plenty of problems to work through. Whether it be school, friend or family related I'm always worrying about something. I can't stop it, no matter how much it hurts me, and I can't find the words to express it to the people that could help. So many things go on inside my head that I wish I had the creativity to write stories or poems - something to help me deal with the pain. Because in the end, that's the real problem. All of these thoughts and problems lead to one final end, and that's emotional pain for me that I can never seem to deal with. I've had ways of dealin in the past that didn't go over so well with the people who care about me, so I've had to change my routine.

That's one problem - the people who care about me. Before I moved I was under the impression that I had a solid foundation of friends. Apparently I was deceived, because after I moved I only see these "friends" of mine if I make the effort to go to them. Two have offered to come out here to get me, and one only because there's a bowling ally nearby that people wanted to go to. The only one who makes a self-less effort is my boyfriend, and the guilt I feel at making him come all the way out here to get me doesn't seem worth it half the time. I get so frustrated with my life and everything in it that he ends up taking the brunt of my anger, which he in no way deserves. He is a beautiful soul, a completely self-less individual who does everything in his power to make me happy, and is truly and deeply hurt when I'm not happy enough for him. I think I know the root of the problem, but even addressing this with him only leads to more hurt on his part. He can't stand to think that there is something 'wrong' with me that he can't cure. It kills me to see him so upset, and if I were to ever try to remedy the situation it would be as much for him as for me.

He has been my nearest and dearest friend since 7th grade, when I was with someone else (which ended up being one of the biggest mistakes of my life, in retrospect), and when I myself was a different person entirely. He stuck by me for years, enduring tearful phone calls and admissions of things that I'm sure in his previously sheltered life he would never have imagined. I truly believe that he is my soul mate, and the prospect of losing him is something I'm not sure I want to ponder at this particular moment. I'm sure at times that making him deal with so much sadness is just a burden. He swears it isn't, but he is so self-less and so loving, I have to wonder if he says it isn't just to make me happier. Whatever works. I am happiest when I'm with him, and I know that what we have is something special. What's even better is the fact that he agrees.

For a first blog I think that's pretty good. Pretty long, but pretty good.

"Don't settle for the one you can live with. Settle for the one you can't live without."