Devotion

Ever wonder how much of an impact you have had on a person in the time that you've known them? I was thinking about it tonight after talking with a friend of mine who has been in my life for about ten years now...she used to be very quiet, not so much after hanging around with me for so long. What kind of amused me, albeit in a very dark way, was how much the advice she was giving me sounded like the advice I've been giving everyone else for years. Here I was thinking no one ever listened to me - or if they did listen they only kept it in their minds long enough to help them with the problem of the day - and yet she was basically feeding me advice that I've been giving out since sixth grade. So people do listen, imagine that.

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This is isn't the first time I've thought about having an effect on people. Last year one of my best guy friends wanted to give me a "morale boost," and while I'm sure he doesn't realize how much it means me to me, I really appreciated it. He said, and I quote, "You know why all your guys have at one point or another been attracted to you? You're strong, smart, funny (in a very mean sort of way :-)), and easy on the eyes. You're one of those socialite types, that everyone pays attention to when she walks into the room and starts talking and joking and laughing." I'm sure he didn't realize that what he said would have such an effect on me, but then again, I never realized I had had such an effect on people. It's nice to be appreciated sometimes, and even nicer to have someone tell you that you mean something to them. It's funny, a lot of the quotes that I have saved from my friends are from my guy friends. Maybe because as much as I adore them, I'm not sure they feel the same, or maybe it's just because they're guys and don't readily show their emotions. Either way, whenever they say something that sweet, I save it.

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My group of friends isn't very touchy feely, we don't share our feelings that often, and we really very rarely discuss anything serious. This is probably the reason why I'm so afraid that someday they will all just walk away. It would be so easy for them to just ignore me, put me out of their lives and wipe their hands of me. But like my friend said to me last night, people love me, and if someone really loves you they won't just walk away. Sometimes I feel like I put way more into my relationships than the other people, that I spend way more time making sure we don't fall out of contact, smoothing over hurt feelings so that we all get along... and then I stop and think about how much crap they've all put up with from me, and it becomes abundantly clear that we have all given quite a bit to these friendships. And really, that's what friendships are. Give and take. You can't expect someone to help you with your problems unless you first sit down and listen to theirs. And I suppose I should stop worrying. They've stuck by me all these years, I think they're in it for the long haul.

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I know that I'm not perfect, and I don't live to be.

But before you start pointing fingers,

Make sure your hands are clean.