You're Not My God

So much for never makin' the same mistake

I can't believe I'm here again

So much for ever thinkin' that I could change

My good intentions still remain in chains...

I thought I was a hero

I played him well

He saves the day but not himself...

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That's from a Keith Urban song ("She's Gotta Be") that I really love, and those lines always seemed especially applicable to my life (disregarding the fact that it's a guy in the last few lines). The whole song though is kind of applicable - not about losing a love, although that's true as well, but about losing friends. That is after all is said and done my biggest fear - that eventually my friends are going to decide that I'm not worth the stress and worry. Granted, that's what friends are for, but a person can only take so much before they just can't take it anymore. I would be oh so screwed if my friends decided that they had reached their breaking points.

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So, why don't I just fix the problem? Good question with no answer. I want to, but I don't think I'm strong enough. Funny, I was rereading some of my previous entries last night, and I found one where I was quoting my friends and their surprise that I would sink to something so low when I seemed like such a strong person... it seems that my strength will always be my biggest weakness. How ironic is that.

One of my best friends told me the other night that my real problem was the fact that I study Psychology. I could never get help because I'd be critiquing the person's approach and practice in my head the whole time, haha. It's not funny, but really, what else is there to do?

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I've thought about it. About sitting down with someone and being like "Here's my past, here's when the problem started, here's how I've been in charge of my life and everyone else's since I was a kid, and here's how fucked up I am now." But what can they do that my friends haven't done already? Listen to me bitch and complain? Tell me why I feel the way I do, act the way I do? Too late, that's all covered. I got nothing. I wish I could just get over it, but it keeps coming back, no matter how long I go feeling okay, no matter how long I'm "good," it always comes back. I've ceased to tell people because I know they're fed up, but at the same time I wish someone would be willing to be uncomfortable for an hour or so, long enough for me to sit down and talk to them, show them. Often I've thought about what would happen if I ever just lost it and started crying in front of any of my friends.... Kind of a funny image, since I never cry. They would have no idea how to deal. Funnier still, when I picture it I'm always with one of three of my guy friends. Maybe I'll see them soon and chat about all this... who knows.

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And everybody loved me when I was on a roll

And I thought I had everything when I held the gold

But you're not my god

And you're not my friend

You're not the one I will walk with in the end

You're not the truth

You are a temporary shot

And you ruin people's lives

And you don't give a second thought

You're not my god...

Medicine that kept me from looking in my soul

I thought you were the answer to all of my despair

And you almost had me six feet down,

But I'm still breathing air...

From the cradle to the grave

Temptations all around

But no matter how good the fix

It's gonna take you down

Now some call it a weakness

Some call it a sin...

~*~Keith Urban "You're Not My God"~*~

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*Damaged people are dangerous

Because they know they can survive*