Ranting to music

I just needed someone to talk to

You were just too busy with yourself

You were never there for me

To express how I felt

I just stuffed it down

Now I'm older and I feel like

I could let some of this anger fade

But it seems the surface I am scratching

Is the bed that I have made

****************

So where were you?

When all this I was going through

You never took the time

To ask me just what you could do

~Staind "Fade"

*****************

And fuck you

For not having the strength in your heart

To pull through....

~Staind "Waste"

***************

You've lied so much you think it's true

Do you know what the truth is?

How does someone get to be like you?

The King of All Excuses...

~Staind "King of All Excuses"

************

I am the mess you chose

The closet you can not close

The devil in you I suppose.

'Cause the wounds never heal

But everything changes

If I could

Turn back the years

If you could

Learn to forgive me then I could

Learn to feel

Sometimes the things I say

In moments of disarray

Succumbing to the games we play

To make sure that it's real...

~Staind "Everything Changes"

**********

You don't know

What you put me through

That's okay

I've forgiven you

But in some way

Hope it fucks with you

Hope it fucks with you

That I'm okay

And I've made it through

But who's to say

What you're going through?...

No place to hide

From how you make me feel...

I've learned to live without a pride

Just a shell

With me stuck inside

A prison, Not a place to hide...

~Staind "Yesterday"

************

I've made a commitment

I'm willing to bleed for you

I needed fulfillment

I found what I need in you

Why can't you just forgive me?
I don't want to relive all the mistakes I've made

Along the way

But I always find a way to keep you

Right here waiting

I always find the words to say

To keep you right here waiting

~Staind "Right Here"

******************

Obviously I'm not in the greatest of moods (and probably shouldn't be listening to Staind, but it's too late now). Like it always does, it will pass.

Thanksgiving is in two weeks or so, and my theory is that if I can make it to that point with my sanity mostly intact, then the semester is a success. Pretty desperate theory, but it's all I got.

I think I'd laugh if anyone asked me what was wrong. I wouldn't even know where to start. Detrimental to dealing, but oh well.

I realize that all of these songs make it seem like I'm mad at people for not knowing or helping but that's not true. I know they know, and they know that I know they know (haha, one of those annoying sentences) but I also know, even if they don't, that they are all fed up with me. That they're all tired of worrying about me and wondering, and tired of trying to give me advice I won't take. I know that, and there's not much I feel like I can do about it right now, so I'm going to allow them to be mad until I am ready to make the necessary leap. Hopefully when I am ready they'll still be behind me backing me up.

I have so much due in these next two weeks that I'm not sure my theory/goal is going to be met, but as I was joking the other day, those nice white coats that make you hug yourself do seem quite cozy....

We're sad and yeah, we always want our friends to know, but whenever they ask that one question "Are you okay?" we always lie. “I’m fine" we say. I just wish someone would look at my pained eyes and say "No, you’re not”