anniversary

It's been a year since my student died. It was a rough day, but I didn't do anything. Just the memories... it was like everywhere I looked I saw or heard something that reminded me of him. I realize that many people will think I'm dwelling on the past. I even heard last year from someone, only a few weeks after he passed away, that I should "Get over it" because he was, after all, "just some kid" I worked with. If that ignorant person had ever spent any time at all with my student, they would have realized that they suggested the impossible. I will never forget him. No one who met him could ever forget him. He was not just "some kid" I worked with, "some kid" I knew in high school and would never have seen again anyway. He was a student, a friend, and a peer. And he may not have been able to speak, but he was also one of the greatest teachers I've ever had. He taught me more things than anyone could ever imagine: patience, compassion, and more lessons for my career than I could have ever gotten in a classroom.
He was a ray of sunshine... his presence could cheer me immensely. I can't even begin to imagine what his family is going through at this time. It must be terrible for them. Tonight, after I walked my friend out, I stayed outside a little and talked to him - filled him in on my life, on the lives of other people he knew, and I let him know that we still miss him, that we haven't forgotten him, and that he's always with each of us. And then a thought came to me: It snowed this morning. I hate snow in general, and it didn't stick, but it snowed. It also snowed on the day of his funeral; then, the priest asked his mother if my student had a sense of humor, if maybe the horrific snowstorm we had that day was his final joke...he had a great sense of humor, so we all took a little comfort in this idea. And so, as much as I hate snow, I took this morning's little shower as a sign from him to let us all know that he's ok, that he hasn't forgotten us. Small comfort considering he's gone, but comfort nonetheless.
Last year this ordeal made me slip... and fall. I thought it would be a single slip back into that darkness I'm constantly battling, but it was a full-out fall. After that fall, I couldn't get back up. I keep trying, but I keep falling. It gets harder and harder to hide the more I try... the more people I try to keep it a secret from, the more find out... and when I am feeling the most alone are always the times when I can least afford it. My friends have gotten fed up, and I don't blame them in the least. I'm fed up. I want it to end. But at the same time, I'm not ready to take the necessary steps to make it stop. It's a conundrum. I don't want to tarnish his memory by associating it with something bad, so I made it through today. But Monday would have been his 17th birthday.... he was much too young to die. People need to live their life to the fullest. This life is too short to have regrets about things you didn't do...and that would sound so much more convincing if it didn't come from such a hypocrite. I have too many regrets to count, and I'm only 20. I suppose in my case regret is all right, unless it interferes with living. Identify your priorities and start your life from there - but always keep your priorities straight. It's too late for me to come up with any more coherent sentences, so this rant will need to be finished another time.

~*~1.21.89 - 1.19.06~*~ The day you were taken, the world got a little dimmer... but Heaven gained an angel. You are always with us, M.B. - you live on in the hearts of every teacher, student, family member and friend that you came in contact with. The memories we have of you will keep you alive in our hearts and minds until every last one of us leaves this earth... and then, if there is a fairness about the universe, we'll be able to see you again. Forever Young, M.B.