The Loudest Way to Scream...

I did it. Even though I said I wouldn't, swore I wouldn't, I did. So many reasons... too many, even. Starting to sound more like excuses... weak and stupid, which I guess is fitting. So many reasons, and not a single reason not to. The last time I stopped, it was the look on my boyfriends face that was "all that I'd ever need." That was a crock of shit. He used to say he wasn't just feeding me words when he said he loved me, when he said I was his most precious thing. He was a liar. He loved me at one point, obviously, but how can you go from loving someone to not acknowledging them? Not wishing them a happy birthday? Bittersweet... turning 20, and wondering if the last 3 years of your life meant a damn thing. Love my friends, sure, but they've all become my enablers. All giving me support instead of telling me to stop being an idiot. They're too afraid. They've never had to deal with a damn thing worse than a messy breakup or maybe a drunk friend. They can't handle shit like this... I never let them. One of my friends told me the other night that the reason no one noticed was because I didn't let them. I was too strong. Who the hell ever thought that my strength would end up being a bad thing? Not that its doing me a hell of a lot of good right now. I was feeling so down the other day I almost let myself cry... and then was too concerned about what would happen if someone called or dropped by, how I'd explain it. I don't think I could anymore, even if I had to. I didn't when M.B. died... which made me feel terrible, but I was too busy being worried about everyone else. I wish, as horribly, typically girly this is, I wish he'd acknowledge me. Wish he was reading this, was readin my away messages, wish he was reading them and thinking "Shit, maybe I did screw this up". I never thought I'd have to function with out him, either as a friend or as a boyfriend. Old school BSB song with a lyric that hits home, "I heard him promise you forever, Well now forever's come and gone". Ain't that the truth. So many sad songs lately, only making this darkness worse, only making me worse, but I can't help it. Talkin about it is only useful face to face... and I cant expect people to drop their lives to come "fix" me. One more thing to do by myself. And I wish I didnt feel so guilty about burdening people. I know they say I'm not a burden, but I also know that they would never tell me I was, because they'd be too scared of what might happen. Not that they should be, I'm not that weak, but how do they know that? I wish I could restart everything... go back to 6th grade and change everything. It would make life so much easier... and maybe make the hurt less. As angry as I was, I still love him. I always will. He was my first. You never forget your first, which I suppose is good for me since I was his. But it doesn't matter. Once something has been done, it can never be undone. We can't be "us" again. If we tried, it'd be something different. Different isn't always bad, but it's not always good either. Sometimes I feel so old... and sometimes I wish I was still a little girl that could curl up in my daddy's lap and be read a story. I wish I wasn't so bitter, so damaged. Wishes are pointless though, since they can't come true. Can't change the past, you can only alter the present in the hopes of improving the future. I need a better future. I need a future thats full of kids and PTA meetings and a cute little neighborhood... not this sadness. And not this regret.

I know my friends are going to read this, and probably worry. Or at least I hope they do. I want them to worry, because I've worried about them for years. It's selfish of me I know, but I've spent so damn long caring for everyone else, shielding them and protecting them, even when I knew they were okay to go it alone...I just want to be taken care of. That's all I ever wanted from him, and I used to get it... until I screwed up. If he does read this, I want him to know that I am truly sorry. From the bottom of my heart, I'm sorry. You were my Papa Bear, my Bumblepuppy... my everything. You knew me better than I knew myself, and you loved me in spite of it. Or because of it? Who knows. I want you to know that I do still love you. I have always loved you, and I will always love you. But I understand. I do. If you don't want to talk to me anymore, that's fine. I just want you to know that I am sorry. For everything, things you know about and those you don't. I've grown up. I would love for us to work, but I understand why we can't anymore. Just know that I want you to be happy, and I hope that someday we can still be friends. I know I said we couldn't, and then I wanted to know if we could...I want you to be happy. I want to be able to help with that the way I used to. When things were good. Not always good, not perfect, but functional. That's all. I also want you to know that I broke an enormous promise, and for that I'm more sorry than you could ever imagine. But please, regardless of what I've made you to think, know that it wasn't your fault. I might think it was, and others might as well, but I know deep down it wasn't. That's all I got.

*IT'S THE LOUDEST WAY TO SCREAM*

*I am a little bit of loneliness, a little bit of disregard. Handful of complaints but I can't help the fact that everyone can see these scars*

*The scars are souvenirs you'll never lose, The past is never far*