Anger Managment

Okay, so rereading my last post I realized that it was pretty childish, more of a rant than a coherent and meaningful entry. But I was angry - I am still angry. But, even though it may come across this way, I am not angry at my friends, or my family, or my ex. I'm angry at me. At the way I've been handling things, and people. Angry at the way I let the situation get the better of me. And this anger at myself gets displaced to the people who are trying, sometimes too hard, to help. I understand that they're afraid of my pain, and afraid of the way I was acting. I don't like people to be afraid for me, or so worried about me that it affects the way they go about their business.
More than that though, more than the anger, were a lot of other emotions that I usually don't have to deal with, and never all at once. I felt betrayed, by him for breaking up with me and by my friends for not understanding my loneliness. I was jealous of people who managed to keep their relationships going, and those who were just getting into them. I was lonely, because almost never since I've moved to Mass. have I ever actually been without someone close to me. I was also feeling more than a little selfish, which is something I usually avoid like the plague, but for once I wanted it all to be about me. I was feeling guilty too - not just because of all these feelings, although that was a big part of it, but because I too had broken a promise, and mine was a lot bigger, a lot more serious, and affected a lot more people than his did. So all of these feelings were screwing with me, and I wasn't the strong person I always try to be.
So I'm done with it. I'm not done with being sad, but for the time being I'm done with showing that I'm still sad. I know that people are going to worry, and I know that I can't help that. But I want them to stop worrying so much; I want them to stop worrying to the point where they become overbearing. And, I want them to understand that for me, it is possible to change from week to week. And, even though I've managed to violate everyone's trust in a horribly vital way, they can believe me about some things. And should, because otherwise they are going to worry themselves sick over nothing. I am a strong person. I know that. I also know that it is completely human to become overwhelmed sometimes. And I know that I am blessed with friends who care enough to become overbearing. I also know that as religious as I used to think I was, I'm not. It does nothing for me. I believe that there is something out there; obviously, because as egocentric a race as we are, there has to be something better out there. I believe in spirits or ghosts or helper beings out there that get us through the day. I would also love to believe in angels, but I suppose that would mean that I would have to believe in God. Thats clearly a question for another day when I've had more to think on it. For now, I'm going to acknowledge the fact that I'm a strong person - strong enough to go it alone, and since I have so many people trying to help right now that it's becoming ridiculous (too many chefs in the kitchen, thank you), I'm going to be the way I used to be - the strong, silent, flirty (not that it's doing me any good at this all girls school... need me a man! lol), person that everyone went to for support person. That's who I am on the inside. That's my nature. And that's what I'm going to be. Enough wallowing, I'm done with it. Didn't work for me anyway. So yay for the new, emancipated, strong me. (And yes, this is the influence of a women's college). The other part of the new me is allowing myself to not feeling like I have to be such a tom-boy all the time; as much as I hate to I know that showing emotions will not kill me.
So, I've decided to compile here some of my favorite quotes that have given me strength lately. They're good...I am a bit of a quote addict, but these are new ones:
*Look to this day, for yesterday is but dream and tomorrow is but a vision. But today well lived makes every yesterday a dream of happiness and every tomorrow a vision of hope.*
~To exist is to change, to change is to mature, to mature is to go on creating oneself endlessly.~
*I am comforted by life's stability, by earth's unchangeableness. What has seemed new and frightening assumes its place in the unfolding of knowledge. It is good to know our universe. What is new is only new to us.*
~Nothing is so strong as gentleness. Nothing is so gentle as real strength.~
*When I dare to be powerful, to use my strength in the service of my vision, then it becomes less and less important whether I am afraid.*

So that's that. Hope ya'll like the quotes.