You're Not My God

So much for never makin' the same mistake

I can't believe I'm here again

So much for ever thinkin' that I could change

My good intentions still remain in chains...

I thought I was a hero

I played him well

He saves the day but not himself...

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That's from a Keith Urban song ("She's Gotta Be") that I really love, and those lines always seemed especially applicable to my life (disregarding the fact that it's a guy in the last few lines). The whole song though is kind of applicable - not about losing a love, although that's true as well, but about losing friends. That is after all is said and done my biggest fear - that eventually my friends are going to decide that I'm not worth the stress and worry. Granted, that's what friends are for, but a person can only take so much before they just can't take it anymore. I would be oh so screwed if my friends decided that they had reached their breaking points.

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So, why don't I just fix the problem? Good question with no answer. I want to, but I don't think I'm strong enough. Funny, I was rereading some of my previous entries last night, and I found one where I was quoting my friends and their surprise that I would sink to something so low when I seemed like such a strong person... it seems that my strength will always be my biggest weakness. How ironic is that.

One of my best friends told me the other night that my real problem was the fact that I study Psychology. I could never get help because I'd be critiquing the person's approach and practice in my head the whole time, haha. It's not funny, but really, what else is there to do?

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I've thought about it. About sitting down with someone and being like "Here's my past, here's when the problem started, here's how I've been in charge of my life and everyone else's since I was a kid, and here's how fucked up I am now." But what can they do that my friends haven't done already? Listen to me bitch and complain? Tell me why I feel the way I do, act the way I do? Too late, that's all covered. I got nothing. I wish I could just get over it, but it keeps coming back, no matter how long I go feeling okay, no matter how long I'm "good," it always comes back. I've ceased to tell people because I know they're fed up, but at the same time I wish someone would be willing to be uncomfortable for an hour or so, long enough for me to sit down and talk to them, show them. Often I've thought about what would happen if I ever just lost it and started crying in front of any of my friends.... Kind of a funny image, since I never cry. They would have no idea how to deal. Funnier still, when I picture it I'm always with one of three of my guy friends. Maybe I'll see them soon and chat about all this... who knows.

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And everybody loved me when I was on a roll

And I thought I had everything when I held the gold

But you're not my god

And you're not my friend

You're not the one I will walk with in the end

You're not the truth

You are a temporary shot

And you ruin people's lives

And you don't give a second thought

You're not my god...

Medicine that kept me from looking in my soul

I thought you were the answer to all of my despair

And you almost had me six feet down,

But I'm still breathing air...

From the cradle to the grave

Temptations all around

But no matter how good the fix

It's gonna take you down

Now some call it a weakness

Some call it a sin...

~*~Keith Urban "You're Not My God"~*~

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*Damaged people are dangerous

Because they know they can survive*

Musings to Music

Keith Urban: Tonight I Wanna Cry

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Alone in this house again tonight

I got the TV on, the sound turned down and a bottle of wine

Theres pictures of you and I on the walls around me

The way that it was and should have been surrounds me

I'll never get over you walkin' away.

**********

Well I've never been the kind to ever let my feelings show

And I thought that bein' strong meant never losin' your self-control

But I'm just drunk enough to let go of my pain

To hell with my pride

Let it fall like rain, from my eyes

Tonight I wanna cry.

*********

Would it help if i turned a sad song on

"All by Myself" would sure hit me hard, now that you're gone

Or maybe unfold some old yellow lost love letters

It's gonna hurt bad before it gets better

But I'll never get over you by hidin' this way

**********

Cause I've never been the kind to ever let my feelings show
And I thought that bein' strong meant never losin' your self-control

But I'm just drunk enough to let go of my pain

To hell with my pride

Let it fall like rain, from my eyes

Tonight I wanna cry.

***********

Well I've never been the kind to ever let my feelings show

And I thought that bein' strong meant never losin' your self-control

But I'm just drunk enough to let go of my pain

To hell with this pride

Let it fall like rain, from my eyes

Tonight I wanna cry.

*****************************

I've loved that song from the first time I heard it because I think it pretty much describes me perfectly. I may have actually posted it before, I tend to listen to it when...well, yea. I tend to listen to it when I need to.

It's funny, in roughly an 18 hour span I had three of my favorite guys come to me for advice (which I was more than happy to give), and I felt like the biggest hypocrite doing it. The one who I should have been able to help the most was the most ironic, because my advice to help him out is some that I adamently refuse to take myself.

I think we're gearing up for a very rough second half of a semester, but only time will tell. The real test will be to see if I'm smart enough to ask for support when I need it...

**DON'T LOSE HOPE. WHEN IT GETS DARKEST,

THE STARS COME OUT***

Catch Up

That was a long time ago, but it's wrong what they say about the past, I've learned, about how you can bury it. Because the past claws its way out. ~Kite Runner

It's true - you can't escape the past, especially if you don't deal with it properly the first time around. The more you try to hide something, the more likely it is to come back and bite you in the ass. Granted, it's not always easy to deal with a problem... but if you don't, how are you supposed to learn, and to grow?

I don't do a whole lot of "dealing" with my problems. I tell people that I do, but I've realized that for the most part, unless something is severely effecting the way I get through the day, I tend to just sweep it under the rug and hope it stays there. Problems only arise when someone cares enough to pick up the edge of the rug, and then they see the mess I'm hiding.... hell, they see the mess that I truly am.

I'm doing much better this year, and as far as I know it's not due to anything I've done or not done. Actually I think I was dealing with things so well because I wasn't thinking about them, which isn't healthy, but it was getting me through the day.

I should amend that. I wasn't consciously thinking about the mess that seems to be my life. But my subconscious seems to be throwing up red flags left and right lately, and with good reason...

We won't get into that though. I don't feel like explaining myself to people who just want me to stop, and so far no one has asked. Unless either of those situations change, I'm adopting the military policy of "Don't ask don't tell." Also not healthy, but for the moment it is the least stressful possibility.

"Look here she comes now

Bowed down and staring wonder

Oh how we love you

No flaws when you're pretending

But now I know
She never was and never will be

You don't know how you betrayed me

And somehow you've got everybody fooled

Without the mask

Where will you hide?

Can't find yourself

Lost in your lies

I know the truth now

I know who you are

And I don't love you anymore"