Cute

So, rather than ramble on, since I really don't have all that much to say right now, I thought I'd let these little quotes do the talking. They basically sum up most of what I'm always trying to say anyway.

anniversary

It's been a year since my student died. It was a rough day, but I didn't do anything. Just the memories... it was like everywhere I looked I saw or heard something that reminded me of him. I realize that many people will think I'm dwelling on the past. I even heard last year from someone, only a few weeks after he passed away, that I should "Get over it" because he was, after all, "just some kid" I worked with. If that ignorant person had ever spent any time at all with my student, they would have realized that they suggested the impossible. I will never forget him. No one who met him could ever forget him. He was not just "some kid" I worked with, "some kid" I knew in high school and would never have seen again anyway. He was a student, a friend, and a peer. And he may not have been able to speak, but he was also one of the greatest teachers I've ever had. He taught me more things than anyone could ever imagine: patience, compassion, and more lessons for my career than I could have ever gotten in a classroom.
He was a ray of sunshine... his presence could cheer me immensely. I can't even begin to imagine what his family is going through at this time. It must be terrible for them. Tonight, after I walked my friend out, I stayed outside a little and talked to him - filled him in on my life, on the lives of other people he knew, and I let him know that we still miss him, that we haven't forgotten him, and that he's always with each of us. And then a thought came to me: It snowed this morning. I hate snow in general, and it didn't stick, but it snowed. It also snowed on the day of his funeral; then, the priest asked his mother if my student had a sense of humor, if maybe the horrific snowstorm we had that day was his final joke...he had a great sense of humor, so we all took a little comfort in this idea. And so, as much as I hate snow, I took this morning's little shower as a sign from him to let us all know that he's ok, that he hasn't forgotten us. Small comfort considering he's gone, but comfort nonetheless.
Last year this ordeal made me slip... and fall. I thought it would be a single slip back into that darkness I'm constantly battling, but it was a full-out fall. After that fall, I couldn't get back up. I keep trying, but I keep falling. It gets harder and harder to hide the more I try... the more people I try to keep it a secret from, the more find out... and when I am feeling the most alone are always the times when I can least afford it. My friends have gotten fed up, and I don't blame them in the least. I'm fed up. I want it to end. But at the same time, I'm not ready to take the necessary steps to make it stop. It's a conundrum. I don't want to tarnish his memory by associating it with something bad, so I made it through today. But Monday would have been his 17th birthday.... he was much too young to die. People need to live their life to the fullest. This life is too short to have regrets about things you didn't do...and that would sound so much more convincing if it didn't come from such a hypocrite. I have too many regrets to count, and I'm only 20. I suppose in my case regret is all right, unless it interferes with living. Identify your priorities and start your life from there - but always keep your priorities straight. It's too late for me to come up with any more coherent sentences, so this rant will need to be finished another time.

~*~1.21.89 - 1.19.06~*~ The day you were taken, the world got a little dimmer... but Heaven gained an angel. You are always with us, M.B. - you live on in the hearts of every teacher, student, family member and friend that you came in contact with. The memories we have of you will keep you alive in our hearts and minds until every last one of us leaves this earth... and then, if there is a fairness about the universe, we'll be able to see you again. Forever Young, M.B.

Right Here

Staind - Right Here
I know I've been mistaken
But just give me a break and see the changes that I've made
I've got some imperfections
But how can you collect them all and throw them in my face

But you always find a way to keep me right here waiting
You always find the words to say to keep me right here waiting
And if you chose to walk away
I'd still be right here waiting
Searching for the things to say to keep you right here waiting

I hope you're not intending
To be so condescending it's as much as I can take
And you're so independent you just refuse to bend
So I keep bending till I break

But you always find a way to keep me right here waiting
You always find the words to say to keep me right here waiting
And if you chose to walk away
I'd still be right here waiting
Searching for the things to say to keep you right here waiting

I've made a commitment

I'm willing to bleed for you

I needed fulfillment

I found what I need in you

Why can't you just forgive me

I don't want to relive all the mistakes

I've made along the way

But I always find a way to keep you right here waiting

I always find the words to say to keep you right here waiting

But i always find a way

To keep you right here waiting

I always find the words to say to keep you right here waiting

But you always find a way to keep me right here waiting

You always find the words to say to keep me right here waiting

And if I chose to walk away would you still be right here waiting

Searching for the things to say

To keep me right here waiting

Apparently Staind is a good band to listen to when I get into one of these bummed out moods. As stupid and cliche as it sounds, I can relate to the words of their songs. Who knows why, but its the truth. Same with Papa Roach, but many of those lyrics are more literal than figurative for me.

Last night I was talking to probably my favorite and best guy friend in the world, and he was telling me that yes, he worries about me, but that you can't save a person from themself. His analogy was that people are like good New Year's parties - you let people do what they will, and all you can do is be around to clean up the mess afterward. Not overly eloquent, but it really hit home (and I gave him a break, it was 1:30 in the morning). He made me address something else, too. I told him that the one thing I really, really miss about having a boyfriend is having that someone there to tell me and show me that they love me. He asked me if that was really what I missed, or if I just missed knowing that someone cared and having them show it. He should be a damned psychologist - he knows what he's doing (he's known me long enough, I guess he has to be a bit of a psychologist for sticking by me all this time). He was right. I know my friends care, but we're not an overly touchy group of people. I need reinforcement - I need to know that people are around and give a damn about me, and I need them to show it. I never thought I was a needy person, but I guess I am. Maybe it's because my family isn't really very huggy anymore, but I grew up with it, and it makes me feel better. Whatever, I don't even know anymore. I do know that I seriously need to spend more time with little kids, because they can make me feel better no matter what. Good thing my "neice" and "nephew" are coming by today. They are the cutest and most well behaved little kids I've been around in a while. yay!

when she cries

I don't know how many people have heard the song "When She Cries" by Restless Heart, but it's really good, and theres a part of the chorus that really hits home for me more and more each time I get into one of these moods.

"She does her best to hide,
The pain that she's been through.
When she cries, at night,
And she doesn't think that I can hear her.
She tries, to hide,
All the fear she feels inside."

The fact that I have absolutely no reason to be so bummed out lately makes me even more upset. This vacation hasn't been that bad - I worked a little, and I saw my friends a lot, which was nice. And yet there's that darkness again, and it seems like nothing makes it better. And as hard as my friends try to cheer me up, they just don't seem to get it. The worst part is that I want to talk about it with someone, but I feel bad bringing it up to my friends because seriously, who wants to listen to me talk about the same thing over and over? It doesn't matter to them that I'm beginning to understand myself better, because I'm still acting in a way they see as abnormal. It doesn't matter than one of my friends does the exact same thing to me - I can't bring myself to ask for help. I'd rather suffer in silence than admit that I can't handle it a lot of the time. I can't let them see my pain, it's just not who I am. I've always had it together, or so everyone thinks. If I fall apart now, it makes me feel like more a failure. This semester is going to suck - I can predict that right now. And this upcoming Friday is one year since the death of my student... it also happens to be one of my best friends' birthdays. Good times all around... I go back to school on Monday, assuming they even let me in since there seems to be some issue with my registration/financial shit. I didn't even want to go back this semester - I wanted to take a semester off just to get my freakin act together. I can't keep relapsing. Or, if I can't stop the relapses, I have to stop TELLING people that I screwed up yet again, because then everyone gets overprotective and it fucks up their lives, which is something I like to avoid as much as possible. So where do I go from here? I really wouldn't mind a third party input... at this point I'll take anything.
On top of that, this guy who's been a good friend of my since senior year kissed me the other night when he drove me home. This is NOT a good thing, even though I'm still without a boyfriend. He has a girl friend who I thought he was pretty devoted to, and more than that, I can't really see myself with him, EVER. SO basically I'm a home wrecker who doesn't even WANT the damn guy. Great times, right? Suuure.
In addition to everything else, my best friend keeps complaining about how much her life sucks. SHE can change her situation - her boyfriend is a jackass and she knows it; apparently she's just suffering from a severe case of Stockholm Syndrome, tossed with a little learned helplessness. The guy is no good for her, but she doesn't seem to be able to see how much he's hurting her. The fact that I can't make her see that, at least not without losing her as a friend, kills me. She's the only person who has stood by me regardless, and I can't even help her as much as she has helped me. Some friend I am. I wish someone could read this and give me all the answers, but I know that'll never happen. I really miss talking to my big brother, but he's always busy, and I know what he would suggest, and I just can't do that right now. So as usual, I'm on my own.