The Only Promise...

The Only Promise That Remains

Reba McEntire Featuring: Justin Timberlake

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When the ground beneath you starts a-shakin' (shakin’)

And you forget the place we came from (came from)

When you're lost and lookin' for you're way home

You're way home to me

I'll come out and find you

When the world around you starts a-movin' (movin’)

And you should wonder if I still love you (love you)

If you feel the darkness comin', risin' inside

I'll make a light to guide you back home

**********************

And after all the sky is fallin' down

And after all the water's washed away

My love's the only promise that remains

When your doubts have got you thinkin'

Nothing's ever really sacred

And you're afraid you might believe it...

Believe in me

**********************

And I'll give you a reason

Cuz the world around us keeps on movin' (movin’)

And there's no doubt that I still love you (love you)

So when you feel the darkness comin', risin' inside

I'll make a light to guide you back home

**********************

And after all the sky is fallin' down

And after all the water's washed away

My love's the only promise that remains

My love's the only promise that remains

My love's the only promise that remains

**********************

And after all the sky is fallin' down

(After all the sky is fallin' down)

And after all the water's washed away

(After all the water's washed away)

My love's the only promise that remains

**********************

I heard that song for the first time the other day, and it very nearly made me cry. Aside from being beautifully written and sung, it really reminded me of my friends - they have been there for my unconditionally, and they have always been my lights guiding me out of the darkness. Not to mention the title - the ONLY promise that remains... seems surprisingly fitting since I keep breaking a certain promise.So if any of them read this, thank you guys. I know I don't say it enough, so thank you, and I love you all.

Devotion

Ever wonder how much of an impact you have had on a person in the time that you've known them? I was thinking about it tonight after talking with a friend of mine who has been in my life for about ten years now...she used to be very quiet, not so much after hanging around with me for so long. What kind of amused me, albeit in a very dark way, was how much the advice she was giving me sounded like the advice I've been giving everyone else for years. Here I was thinking no one ever listened to me - or if they did listen they only kept it in their minds long enough to help them with the problem of the day - and yet she was basically feeding me advice that I've been giving out since sixth grade. So people do listen, imagine that.

*******

This is isn't the first time I've thought about having an effect on people. Last year one of my best guy friends wanted to give me a "morale boost," and while I'm sure he doesn't realize how much it means me to me, I really appreciated it. He said, and I quote, "You know why all your guys have at one point or another been attracted to you? You're strong, smart, funny (in a very mean sort of way :-)), and easy on the eyes. You're one of those socialite types, that everyone pays attention to when she walks into the room and starts talking and joking and laughing." I'm sure he didn't realize that what he said would have such an effect on me, but then again, I never realized I had had such an effect on people. It's nice to be appreciated sometimes, and even nicer to have someone tell you that you mean something to them. It's funny, a lot of the quotes that I have saved from my friends are from my guy friends. Maybe because as much as I adore them, I'm not sure they feel the same, or maybe it's just because they're guys and don't readily show their emotions. Either way, whenever they say something that sweet, I save it.

*******

My group of friends isn't very touchy feely, we don't share our feelings that often, and we really very rarely discuss anything serious. This is probably the reason why I'm so afraid that someday they will all just walk away. It would be so easy for them to just ignore me, put me out of their lives and wipe their hands of me. But like my friend said to me last night, people love me, and if someone really loves you they won't just walk away. Sometimes I feel like I put way more into my relationships than the other people, that I spend way more time making sure we don't fall out of contact, smoothing over hurt feelings so that we all get along... and then I stop and think about how much crap they've all put up with from me, and it becomes abundantly clear that we have all given quite a bit to these friendships. And really, that's what friendships are. Give and take. You can't expect someone to help you with your problems unless you first sit down and listen to theirs. And I suppose I should stop worrying. They've stuck by me all these years, I think they're in it for the long haul.

*******

I know that I'm not perfect, and I don't live to be.

But before you start pointing fingers,

Make sure your hands are clean.

Ranting to music

I just needed someone to talk to

You were just too busy with yourself

You were never there for me

To express how I felt

I just stuffed it down

Now I'm older and I feel like

I could let some of this anger fade

But it seems the surface I am scratching

Is the bed that I have made

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So where were you?

When all this I was going through

You never took the time

To ask me just what you could do

~Staind "Fade"

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And fuck you

For not having the strength in your heart

To pull through....

~Staind "Waste"

***************

You've lied so much you think it's true

Do you know what the truth is?

How does someone get to be like you?

The King of All Excuses...

~Staind "King of All Excuses"

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I am the mess you chose

The closet you can not close

The devil in you I suppose.

'Cause the wounds never heal

But everything changes

If I could

Turn back the years

If you could

Learn to forgive me then I could

Learn to feel

Sometimes the things I say

In moments of disarray

Succumbing to the games we play

To make sure that it's real...

~Staind "Everything Changes"

**********

You don't know

What you put me through

That's okay

I've forgiven you

But in some way

Hope it fucks with you

Hope it fucks with you

That I'm okay

And I've made it through

But who's to say

What you're going through?...

No place to hide

From how you make me feel...

I've learned to live without a pride

Just a shell

With me stuck inside

A prison, Not a place to hide...

~Staind "Yesterday"

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I've made a commitment

I'm willing to bleed for you

I needed fulfillment

I found what I need in you

Why can't you just forgive me?
I don't want to relive all the mistakes I've made

Along the way

But I always find a way to keep you

Right here waiting

I always find the words to say

To keep you right here waiting

~Staind "Right Here"

******************

Obviously I'm not in the greatest of moods (and probably shouldn't be listening to Staind, but it's too late now). Like it always does, it will pass.

Thanksgiving is in two weeks or so, and my theory is that if I can make it to that point with my sanity mostly intact, then the semester is a success. Pretty desperate theory, but it's all I got.

I think I'd laugh if anyone asked me what was wrong. I wouldn't even know where to start. Detrimental to dealing, but oh well.

I realize that all of these songs make it seem like I'm mad at people for not knowing or helping but that's not true. I know they know, and they know that I know they know (haha, one of those annoying sentences) but I also know, even if they don't, that they are all fed up with me. That they're all tired of worrying about me and wondering, and tired of trying to give me advice I won't take. I know that, and there's not much I feel like I can do about it right now, so I'm going to allow them to be mad until I am ready to make the necessary leap. Hopefully when I am ready they'll still be behind me backing me up.

I have so much due in these next two weeks that I'm not sure my theory/goal is going to be met, but as I was joking the other day, those nice white coats that make you hug yourself do seem quite cozy....

We're sad and yeah, we always want our friends to know, but whenever they ask that one question "Are you okay?" we always lie. “I’m fine" we say. I just wish someone would look at my pained eyes and say "No, you’re not”