The Loudest Way to Scream...

I did it. Even though I said I wouldn't, swore I wouldn't, I did. So many reasons... too many, even. Starting to sound more like excuses... weak and stupid, which I guess is fitting. So many reasons, and not a single reason not to. The last time I stopped, it was the look on my boyfriends face that was "all that I'd ever need." That was a crock of shit. He used to say he wasn't just feeding me words when he said he loved me, when he said I was his most precious thing. He was a liar. He loved me at one point, obviously, but how can you go from loving someone to not acknowledging them? Not wishing them a happy birthday? Bittersweet... turning 20, and wondering if the last 3 years of your life meant a damn thing. Love my friends, sure, but they've all become my enablers. All giving me support instead of telling me to stop being an idiot. They're too afraid. They've never had to deal with a damn thing worse than a messy breakup or maybe a drunk friend. They can't handle shit like this... I never let them. One of my friends told me the other night that the reason no one noticed was because I didn't let them. I was too strong. Who the hell ever thought that my strength would end up being a bad thing? Not that its doing me a hell of a lot of good right now. I was feeling so down the other day I almost let myself cry... and then was too concerned about what would happen if someone called or dropped by, how I'd explain it. I don't think I could anymore, even if I had to. I didn't when M.B. died... which made me feel terrible, but I was too busy being worried about everyone else. I wish, as horribly, typically girly this is, I wish he'd acknowledge me. Wish he was reading this, was readin my away messages, wish he was reading them and thinking "Shit, maybe I did screw this up". I never thought I'd have to function with out him, either as a friend or as a boyfriend. Old school BSB song with a lyric that hits home, "I heard him promise you forever, Well now forever's come and gone". Ain't that the truth. So many sad songs lately, only making this darkness worse, only making me worse, but I can't help it. Talkin about it is only useful face to face... and I cant expect people to drop their lives to come "fix" me. One more thing to do by myself. And I wish I didnt feel so guilty about burdening people. I know they say I'm not a burden, but I also know that they would never tell me I was, because they'd be too scared of what might happen. Not that they should be, I'm not that weak, but how do they know that? I wish I could restart everything... go back to 6th grade and change everything. It would make life so much easier... and maybe make the hurt less. As angry as I was, I still love him. I always will. He was my first. You never forget your first, which I suppose is good for me since I was his. But it doesn't matter. Once something has been done, it can never be undone. We can't be "us" again. If we tried, it'd be something different. Different isn't always bad, but it's not always good either. Sometimes I feel so old... and sometimes I wish I was still a little girl that could curl up in my daddy's lap and be read a story. I wish I wasn't so bitter, so damaged. Wishes are pointless though, since they can't come true. Can't change the past, you can only alter the present in the hopes of improving the future. I need a better future. I need a future thats full of kids and PTA meetings and a cute little neighborhood... not this sadness. And not this regret.

I know my friends are going to read this, and probably worry. Or at least I hope they do. I want them to worry, because I've worried about them for years. It's selfish of me I know, but I've spent so damn long caring for everyone else, shielding them and protecting them, even when I knew they were okay to go it alone...I just want to be taken care of. That's all I ever wanted from him, and I used to get it... until I screwed up. If he does read this, I want him to know that I am truly sorry. From the bottom of my heart, I'm sorry. You were my Papa Bear, my Bumblepuppy... my everything. You knew me better than I knew myself, and you loved me in spite of it. Or because of it? Who knows. I want you to know that I do still love you. I have always loved you, and I will always love you. But I understand. I do. If you don't want to talk to me anymore, that's fine. I just want you to know that I am sorry. For everything, things you know about and those you don't. I've grown up. I would love for us to work, but I understand why we can't anymore. Just know that I want you to be happy, and I hope that someday we can still be friends. I know I said we couldn't, and then I wanted to know if we could...I want you to be happy. I want to be able to help with that the way I used to. When things were good. Not always good, not perfect, but functional. That's all. I also want you to know that I broke an enormous promise, and for that I'm more sorry than you could ever imagine. But please, regardless of what I've made you to think, know that it wasn't your fault. I might think it was, and others might as well, but I know deep down it wasn't. That's all I got.

*IT'S THE LOUDEST WAY TO SCREAM*

*I am a little bit of loneliness, a little bit of disregard. Handful of complaints but I can't help the fact that everyone can see these scars*

*The scars are souvenirs you'll never lose, The past is never far*

How To Save a Life

"Step one you say we need to talk
He walks you say sit down it's just a talk
He smiles politely back at you
You stare politely right on through
Some sort of window to your right
As he goes left and you stay right
Between the lines of fear and blame
And you begin to wonder why you came
Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life
Let him know that you know best
Cause after all you do know best
Try to slip past his defense
Without granting innocence
Lay down a list of what is wrong
The things you've told him all along
And pray to God he hears you
And pray to God he hears you
Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life
As he begins to raise his voice
You lower yours and grant him one last choice
Drive until you lose the road
Or break with the ones you've followed
He will do one of two things
He will admit to everything
Or he'll say he's just not the same
And you'll begin to wonder why you came
Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life
Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life
How to save a life
How to save a life
Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life
Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life
How to save a life" ~ The Fray

I wish it was that easy to feel better. Sometimes it really just seems like a waste of time, trying to act happy. It works to an extent, if people don't think I'm depressed, but then they're that much MORE upset when they find out that I am. Not to mention the fact that I end up more stressed out and upset when I realize that I'm acting for the sake of others rather than trying to make myself better. Logically I realize that there is no way short of meds, probably, that I'll ever feel better, but at the same time I don't want to believe that. I don't want to have to take pills in order to feel better. I want to be able to go through my days and weeks and months like a "normal" person, without having to worry about what stupid thing is going to trigger me next. I'm sure that people have all sorts of ideas about what I COULD do to feel better, but I have to find something that works for me - something else, that is. And feeling the urge to drink away your problems is generally not a good out-take on life, in case anyone was wondering. I think that part of my problem is missing home - not my actual house, but my old town. Not that I liked it all that much when I was there, and not like theres that much to do there, but it is my home, and I have some roots there. That's obviously my other issue - I have people to talk to, but most of them have only recently found out my dirty little secret, and there is a line that you have to draw, even with friends. No one wants to listen to long drawn out theories about why I'm depressed or why I don't feel better or why, frankly, I don't give a damn. Whatever, my life is a mess, and no one really knows it.

"Nobody knows what she's holding back
Wearing the same dress she wore yesterday
She hides the bruises with linen and lace.
The teacher wonders but she doesn't ask
It's hard to see the pain behind the mask
Bearing the burden of a secret storm
Sometimes she wishes she was never born.
Through the wind and the rain
She stands hard as a stone
In a world that she cant rise above
But her dreams give her wings
and she flys to a place where she's loved...
A fragile soul caught in the hands of fate
When morning comes it will be too late...
An angel girl with an upturned face
A name is written on a polished rock
A broken heart that the world forgot" ~Martina McBride

The worst part, really, is that so many of my friends want to help, and try to help, but honestly there isn't much that they can do. And that, more than almost anything else, makes me feel bad. I know they don't want to see me like this, don't want to think about what it must take in order for me to do some of the things I do, but I can't help it. I'm depressed. That's the way of things. I love my friends and I love my family and I love the kids that I work with - they all bring the light back into my life, but not enough to combat this stupidly overwhelming darkness. And all of my good friends, the friends who actually mean something to me, have told me to call them when I feel that way, regardless of the time, but I can't. I spent my whole life up to now making sure that everyone else is taken care of, that everyone else is comfortable and happy and safe and shit; having people worry about ME goes against everything. I've had so many of my friends the past few weeks that I seemed so strong and confident in High School that it actually astonished me. I am probably the most insecure person ever (well, maybe not ever, but I'm up there). That mask I put on everyday was apparently more effective than I thought - not only did it help me hide how I was feeling, but it made people think I was strong. According to one of my favorite guys, who I love crazily and he knows it, the people who are weak are those who have been consumed by their problems, and according to him I havent been consumed. Even when I tried to play the Devil's advocate he maintained that I was a strong perosn, and this vote of confidence was more than I could ever ask for. Yea, I suppose life sucks sometimes, and some days it would be so freaking easy to not get out of bed, to just lay there and cry all day, but then I hear his voice tellin me I was strong, or the voices of my other friends tellin me that they care, and it gives me that push to get out of bed. I keep hoping that this will get better, and it doesn't. But I think if I take it one day at a time, I think I might be ok. That's all I got.

There comes a point in your life when you realize who REALLY MATTERS, who NEVER DID, and who ALWAYS WILL.