"I couldn't tell you

Why she felt that way

She felt it everyday.

I couldn't help her

I just watched her make the same mistakes again.

Whats wrong, whats wrong now

Too many, too many problems

Don't know where she belongs

Where she belongs...

Her feelings she hides

Her dreams she can't find

She's losing her mind

She's falling behind

She can't find her place

She's losing her faith

She's fallen from grace

She's all over the place"

Nobody's Home - Avril Lavigne

I love my friends, I do, but they don't understand. This song is how I feel every freakin day. I know they meant well, but it didn't help. If anything, it made things worse. I know you want to see me happy, don't we all. Happy is not my baseline. Nervous, anxious, slightly depressed - that's my baseline. I would LOVE to wake up one day happy, but I don't foresee it anytime soon. I have good friends, and I'm glad I have them, but until you've been where I am, you can't tell me how to feel. I mean really, it's just not possible. I know I make bad choices, don't we all? Allow me to have my vices. Someday I'll outgrow them. At least that's what I tell myself.

Also, Keith Urban "Nobody Drinks Alone" - fabulous song.

New Year

"You will bring beauty from my pain"

That's a lyric from a song I really like, although the song is kind of depressing SO perhaps I shouldn't listen to it, lol.

Hm, so, my life. Well, I started out the year chatting with a few good friends of mine, which was fantastic. I haven't talked to one of them all summer, so catching up was amazing. On that note, I finally turned to a friend of mine here, and I am cautiously optimistic. I'm still anxious, but not as bad as I usually am when it comes to telling people. I suppose that's good? Sure. We'll go with that. One more person to let down, but maybe I won't.

I am suddenly feeling very down though, which is odd because it is GORGEOUS outside, and I'm listening to some of my new favorite songs (Rihanna mostly). But I guess it happens, I'll just have to deal. It's all the stress from this semester already - which I know doesn't bode well, but I think once I get into the swing of things I'll be fine. I'm hoping that it's just the anticipatory stress. Either that or it's backlash from this summer, which makes me nervous. Like, very nervous. I shouldn't dwell on it, I know, but I go on the theory that by anticipating these issues I can head them off at the pass, lol. Notice how that never works? Guess I need a new theory.

Rant

You always tell me to call or text you when I'm feeling low, and I always say "Yeah, whatever". Then last night I really was feeling low, super low, scary low, and I texted you, and I got nothing. For all you know, I'm dead. Forget it. I'm not going to reach out for support if I get NOTHING for my efforts. I'll handle it the way I've always handled everything - alone.

In Loving Memory...

My Grandfather passed away on May 22nd. I haven't had the heart to post anything about it, because I know the more I think about him, the more I will cry, and I can't stand to do that anymore. I am not a religious person, anyone who knows me can attest to that, but I would like to post the songs that were sung at his funeral, as they brought tears to my eyes (and the eyes of everyone in the church) at the time, and they still have the power to bring me to tears - not an easy feat, as people know.

How Great Thou Art
-
O Lord my God, When I in awesome wonder,
Consider all the worlds Thy Hands have made;
I see the stars, I hear the rolling thunder,
Thy power throughout the universe displayed.
-
Then sings my soul, My Saviour God, to Thee,
How great Thou art, How great Thou art.
Then sings my soul, My Saviour God, to Thee,
How great Thou art, How great Thou art!
-
When through the woods, and forest glades I wander,
And hear the birds sing sweetly in the trees.
When I look down, from lofty mountain grandeur
And see the brook, and feel the gentle breeze.
-
Then sings my soul, My Saviour God, to Thee,
How great Thou art, How great Thou art.
Then sings my soul, My Saviour God, to Thee,
How great Thou art, How great Thou art!
-
And when I think, that God, His Son not sparing;
Sent Him to die, I scarce can take it in;
That on the Cross, my burden gladly bearing,
He bled and died to take away my sin.
Then sings my soul, My Saviour God, to Thee,
How great Thou art, How great Thou art.
-
Then sings my soul, My Saviour God, to Thee,
How great Thou art, How great Thou art!
When Christ shall come, with shout of acclamation,
And take me home, what joy shall fill my heart.
Then I shall bow, in humble adoration,
And then proclaim: "My God, how great Thou art!"
-
Then sings my soul, My Saviour God, to Thee,
How great Thou art, How great Thou art.
Then sings my soul, My Saviour God, to Thee,
How great Thou art, How great Thou art!
-
As I said, I am not religious, but that was one of my grandfathers favorite songs, and some how hearing it makes me think of him.

Borning Cry

-

I was there to hear your borning cry,

I'll be there when you are old.

I rejoiced the day you were baptized,

to see your life unfold.

-
I was there when you were but a child,

with a faith to suit you well;

In a blaze of light you wandered off

to find where demons dwell.

-
When you heard the wonder of the Word

I was there to cheer you on;

You were raised to praise the living Lord,

to whom you now belong.

-
If you find someone to share your time

and you join your hearts as one,

I'll be there to make your verses rhyme

from dusk 'till rising sun.

-
In the middle ages of your life,

not too old, no longer young,

I'll be there to guide you through the night,

complete what I've begun.

-
When the evening gently closes in,

and you shut your weary eyes,

I'll be there as I have always been

with just one more surprise.

-
I was there to hear your borning cry,

I'll be there when you are old.

I rejoiced the day you were baptized,

to see your life unfold.

-

Now, I love that last song, and at the funeral it was the straw that broke the camels back... although in this case the camels were my younger cousin and myself. This song, for whatever reason, is enough to make me burst into tears - and having it sung at the funeral will ensure that whenever I hear that song, for the rest of my life, I'll burst into tears. Gotta love that, eh?
*
My grandfather was a great man, who taught many people a great deal, and who seemed to know everything about everything. I know everyone thinks their dad or their grandfather is the best, but my grandfather was a sweet, intelligent, funny, hardworking man who loved his family and friends and took great pride in the work a person could do with their hands, and for that I think he was the greatest man I have ever met. I will always love him and miss him, and I will always admire him for all of the things he taught me, my brothers, and the rest of our family.
*R.I.P. Papa, you will be forever missed*

My two new favorite songs

Saving Jane

"Imperfection"

My hair's a wreck

Mascara runs

My feet get dirty and my skin burns in the sun

My lips, they bleed

But I still sing my songs

Takes me a minute to admit it when I'm wrong

Pretty is as pretty does, but pretty's not my thing...

This is what you get

This is who I am

Take me now or leave me

Any way you can

Sometimes I trip and fall

But I know where I stand

If you're thinking about changing my direction,

Don't mess with imperfection

My back is weak

But my will is true

Got good intentions but I never follow through

And I say too much

Don't know when to leave

In case you're looking, that's my heart there on my sleeve

Ego trips and stupid slipups, I'm a mess but...

This is what you get

This is who I am

Take me now or leave me

Any way you can

Sometimes I trip and fall

But I know where I stand

If you're thinking about changing my direction,

Don't mess with imperfection

Scratched and bruised, a little used, but baby I work fine

You might call me damaged goods, but I'm one of a kind

My hair's a wreck

No, I'm not perfect but I'm not the only one...

****************************************************

Superchick
"Beauty from Pain"

The lights go out all around me
One last candle to keep out the night
And then the darkness surrounds me
I know I'm alive but I feel like I've died

And all that's left is to accept that it's over
My dreams ran like sand through the fists that I made
I try to keep warm but I just grow colder
I feel like I'm slipping away

After all this has passed, I still will remain
After I've cried my last, there'll be beauty from pain
Though it won't be today,
Someday I'll hope again
And there'll be beauty from pain
You will bring beauty from my pain

My whole world is the pain inside me
The best I can do is just get through the day
When life before is only a memory
I'll wonder why God lets me walk through this place

And though I can't understand why this happened
I know that I will when I look back someday
And see how you've brought beauty from ashes
And made me as gold purified through these flames

After all this has passed, I still will remain
After I've cried my last, there'll be beauty from pain
Though it won't be today,
Someday I'll hope again
And there'll be beauty from pain
You will bring beauty from my pain

Here I am, at the end of me
Tryin to hold to what I can't see
I forgot how to hope
This night's been so long
I cling to Your promise
There will be a dawn

After all this has passed, I still will remain
After I've cried my last, there'll be beauty from pain
Though it won't be today,
Someday I'll hope again
And there'll be beauty from pain
You will bring beauty from my pain

April Showers

"I'll be acting through my tears

Guess you'll never know

That I should win

An Oscar for this scene I'm in..."

So I'm a little stressed out about my life, again. It always happens. It's that time of year. I've been keeping a journal on this forum I joined, so I haven't been on here as much, but I figured I'd give a heads up to the people who still read this.

I'm hoping for so many changes come the summer, but I don't know how many of them will happen... I don't know if I'm strong enough for any of them to happen.

Some things have happened that make me think I need to talk to my friends more. But I don't want to worry them. And it's nothing serious. Yet. Eh, it'll pass, it'll be summer -hopefully it will be warm and sunny and everything will right itself. We hope.

I'll be right here when you need me

Anytime just keep believin

And I'll be right here

If you ever need a friend

Someone to care and understand

I'll be right here

All you have to do is call my name

No matter how close or far away

Ask me once and I'll come

I'll come runnin

~*~I know my friends would say I have this...but I don't know if I do

And I feel terrible for feeling that I don't~*~

Here I come straight out of my mind or worse

Another chance to get burned

Coolest thing ever! (Yes I am a dork!)

So on my way back from work today I saw, possibly, the coolest thing ever. There was a hawk (I'm pretty sure it was a Cooper's Hawk, but I'm no voice of authority) who was in the process of finding him/herself an early dinner of grey squirrel. Obviously I'm a dork, but it was so cool! The poor hawk wasn't too excited about having an audience for dinner - and the squirrel wasn't so happy about BEING dinner, since it kept trying to escape - but it was an amazing thing to see. This is the second time I've seen a hawk up close and personal in the city. My freshman year there was one on my campus eating what looked to be an electrocuted squirrel, and I managed to get pretty close to that one as well.

I love the city, I love being in the city, but at heart I am a country girl.