Gone again

"Gone" Daughtry

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Feeling like this could only mean

I'm sinking.

Feeling like this could only mean

I'm sinking.

Well, I'm sinking.

Pull me up.

**********

Every time I see your clothes scattered out on the floor,

I say I thought you would be home.

You said you never would be gone.

Every time I see the light not burning on the porch,

I say I thought you would be home.

You said you never would be gone,

But you are.

You are.

**************

Feeling overwhelmed, I take a dive

To a once overfilled but now empty place to hide.

The day you turned on me is the day I died,

And I've forgotten what it's like,

And how it feels to be alive.

****************

Every time I see your clothes scattered out on the floor,

I say I thought you would be home.

You said you never would be gone.

Every time I see the light not burning on the porch,

I say I thought you would be home.

You said you never would be gone.

***************

Reach up to the sky.

When nothing seems to go right

When nothing seems to go right for me.

******************

Every time I see your clothes scattered out on the floor.

I say I thought you would be home.

You said you never would be gone.

Everytime I see the light not burning on the porch,

I say I thought you would be home.

You never would be gone.

I thought you would be home.

You said you never would be gone,

But you are.

****************

I don't really care what my friends are going to think when they read this. They can be disappointed, mad, whatever, I won't take that from them. They have a right to feel that way, because I feel the same. For no reason AT ALL I failed them all again. And I can't even bring myself to tell them. I just hope that some of them still read this blog, so that I don't have to tell them myself. I'm too much of a coward.

I don't know what brought it on. I don't really want to talk about it. I want them to come and just offer a shoulder to cry on. I want them to ask, because no one does anymore.

"Well I'm sitting alone thinking about it all over coffee

And still crowding the space are the things

You still hold against me.

You cannot save me."

************

You did one worse than break my heart. You broke a promise.

************

I DON'T WANT TO WORRY YOU OR ADD TO THE DRAMA IN YOUR LIFE....

....SO I'M DOWN-PLAYING THE SERIOUSNESS OF MY IMPENDING "RELAPSE"...

Balance

Soo it's a new year, new semester, and with that comes the possibility of a new me. Of course, I say that (at least to myself) every semester, and so far it's had no visible effect. However as we all know, "I got a closet filled up to the brim/With the ghosts of my pasts/And the skeletons" (Boys Like Girls, "HeroHeroine"). I just don't know. I started this semester off really well, feeling very in control and sure of myself. Slowly, oh so slowly, that confidence is ebbing away. I don't know why. Maybe it's just the perpetual state of my being. Maybe I'm destined to be alone and sad my whole life. Not that I'm ever actually alone, because as much as I complain about my life in general, I do have family and friends who love me. And as much as school stresses me out, I do well. I just want to be able to move on, and yet it seems like more and more I'm living in the past. It's like that quote from Kite Runner, about how you can't bury the past because it constantly manages to claw it's way out. That, in a nut shell, is my life. Like the squirrel above, it's a constant balancing act - of pleasing people and keeping myself happy; of acknowledging my feelings without succumbing to them; of passing myself off as happy but asking for support when I need it. It's perilous, but it has to be done. Otherwise I fall, and unlike that squirrel, I'm not sure I have the strength to keep getting up.

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People often say that this or that person has not yet found himself. But the self is not something one finds, it is something one creates. ~Thomas Szasz, "Personal Conduct," The Second Sin, 1973

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Man cannot remake himself without suffering, for he is both the marble and the sculptor. ~Dr. Alexis Carrel