Spring

This spring is nonexistant, but then again this is New England. A bunch of random snowstorms, a few nice days, coldness out of no where, and then the weather man says that there might be more snow? Wtf?
I've been under so much stress lately, and I realize that any college student halfway through the Spring semester of their Sophomore year feels the same way, but it's so overwhelming. I feel completely alone all of the time. I know it isn't homesickness because I feel NO desire to go home for the summer, whatsoever. To a point I'm dreading it. I miss my old town and my lil gang that have always been there for me... But we've all grown up, and apart, to an extent. They're still there for me if I need them, which is good for me, but they're not WITH me, which is my problem. When I lived in Westwood I had my people around me most of the time to keep me sane, but when I'm at school everyone else is busy with their own lives. I don't begrudge them that, I'm glad for them. I don't mind being alone, I really don't. I just hate being lonely.

And I really hate feeling like I can't get my act together. I know what I want to do with my life. I just don't know how to get there. I have a starting point and I have a destination, but I feel like everything in between is a mystery, and I can't deal with that. The longer I'm at school the more I realize that I need organization to the point of being almost OCDish about it. Even worse than that, the more confused and overwhelmed I am, the more likely it is that I slip into past bad habits. I don't know where to go from here, I don't. And that's the whole problem.

I have gone back to previous ways of dealing with my issues, and I know how disappointed everyone is going to be in me. They all think I had it under control, that I had gotten my act together. It was a complete illusion, and the worst part of that illusion is that I almost tricked myself into believing it as well. The danger there is that I let myself down more than my friends when I fall again. The feelings of inferiority and helplessness, the idea that I am completely unable to stop this, kind of scare me sometimes. Not enough to be of help, obviously, but it makes the hiding of it that much more important.

I had a dream last night that all of my friends (and my ex) got together and did an intervention. It was the most disturbing dream I have had in years, for so many reasons. In the dream I was in a complete panic, trying to keep them from telling anyone. I think talking to a good friend of mine before I went to bed last night was the cause of that. I've realized that inevitably, other people are going to end up finding out and it scares the hell out of me. It's one of those things that if it ever got out, it would probably turn my life upside down, and I can't have that. It would completely ruin my sense of order about life. I don't know where to go from here, or what to do.

That dreamed caused other random thoughts to surface, especially surrounding my ex. I am over him, as a boyfriend. But I miss having him as a friend. He was my friend for what, 8 years? How do you go from loving someone for 8 years to not talking to them for 7 months? I don't know whether to be angry with him or to feel rejected. As if my self esteem wasn't already in the dirt, having him completely shut me out of his life made me feel like I'll never be worth the time of day to any guy. I have guy friends whom I love dearly, they are my best friends and closest confidents, the ones who have always been there for me. But they will always JUST be friends. And seeing them all with their new girlfriends (which conviently all appeared the same week or so that I got dumped) made me miss what I used to have. Having all this time to think really depresses a person...

Anyway, like I said, I am dreading going home for the summer, but I have no choice. Staying at school is FAR too expensive, as would be taking classes, which I would love to do. I need a job, because as much as I adore the kids I babysat this summer, and although the money was good, I need experience in a real world setting. A car would be nice too, but lets not get ahead of ourselves. I really just feel the need to be completely independent, but that scares me, too. Not the growing up part - I dealt with that when I basically started raising my little brothers. No, what scares me is the damage that would be done if I had no one to report to but myself.

This is way too long and has ceased to make any sense, so I'll end it here.

* I am a little bit of loneliness A little bit of disregard Handful of complaints but I can't help the fact that everyone can see these scars *